RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
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me refusing to leave twitter
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In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Weirdos gonna weird.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
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When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.