Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
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[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*