RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
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[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.