Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.

Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: I know what they’re for

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”

Me: “No, there are explanations.”

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

cats have been bothering their humans since the dawn of time

friend: make her feel wanted

me: okay

[later]

me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

bias laundering edition

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.