RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
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Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Me, in DM rooms…
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.