RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
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ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.