rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I’m tired tomorrow.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Batman v Dracula
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!