Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I have bad news about, Bob

Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?

Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no

Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?

9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.

Me: *beaming with pride*

Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!

9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.

Me: *face palm*

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!

Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!

Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

learning about math 🧐 📝

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

email: CC

my brain: corn cob

If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.

Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000

Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

*gets in taxi*

Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.

Cabbie: Where to?

Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.

The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did

Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though