Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?

Rebecca Black: *inhales*

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

*First and last date:

“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!

Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.

My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.

Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…