Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.

Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

Needless to say…*

*mic drop

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.

[god creating elephant]

“overfeed that aardvark”

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people

Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.