RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
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Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding