Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Fast and the Furious.

– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.

knights of the ikea table

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

Me as a news anchor:

an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties

sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild

There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.

Food for thought, isn’t it?

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

Better luck next time champ

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through