rip to my favourite tweet
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[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
SCARY COSTUME
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.