rip to my favourite tweet
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[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???