rip to my favourite tweet
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Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown