RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
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Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Do not steal food from the science building!
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.