Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

[interview]

What’s your greatest weakness?

ME: Probably avoiding tough questions

Can you elaborate on that?

ME: Oh hey look at the time!

My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.

The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.

Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime

Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

What

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.