Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.