Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?

Me: Yeah! Slept.

Husband: Correct, good night.

The pasta is now

Me: you’ll be in school until 2035

My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number

Me: maybe even longer

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”