Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

gandalf:

jesus:

gandalf:

jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too

gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.

ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.

Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.

You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating

Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?

Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.