Ripped a tag off my leggings and did not realize it was load-bearing
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Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
If only.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.