I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.
Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.
You Might Also Like
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do
He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch