Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.
Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.
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DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day