Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
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Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
When you’re here for the treats.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.