@somelightcrying

[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.

“Snow White?”

Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.

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@pilau

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

@dinnersruined

DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?

@KWalps

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

@buhsbaby_baby

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

@shannoncooperox

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

@AnniemuMary

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.