@somelightcrying

[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.

“Snow White?”

Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.

[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.

“Snow White?”

Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.

- @somelightcrying

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Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

@sadhatterskwrl

To those folks who retweet my timeline and get my phone buzzing
*thank you
*I see you
*I love you
*we married now
*it’s too late
*it’s done

@jdstalnaked

Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”

Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*

@Chumpstring

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@DestineyLynn

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

@qwertying

When used as directed, Axe Body Spray makes a good substitute for tear gas.

@UnicornSyrup

No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

@heatherlou_

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

@mrtruthandsoul

Menage a trois?! I haven’t even successfully split a Kit-Kat three-ways

@sonictyrant

Girlfriend: i just got stung by that wasp can u put a bandaid on it

Me: babe im sure he’s gonna be fine