@somelightcrying

[Rips bong] Each Disney Princess represents a deadly sin! Jasmine, Greed. Mulan, Pride. Ariel, Envy.

“Snow White?”

Um. [Rips bong] Vegan.

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@danabrit

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

@QwertyJones3

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

@jake_lach

Dog ate raw chicken so I called the vet to see what I could do

He asked what I think they eat in the wild. Basically, he called me an idiot

@AimeeHelene1

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

@Goofpoops

Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat

@bornmiserable

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest

@Reverend_Scott

[job interview]

“Have any questions?”

Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

@beefman138

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

@Piecezilla

Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch