Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

Me irl

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”

“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”

Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.

my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.

Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*

Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this

Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm