*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
You Might Also Like
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
My last name is Zilla.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth