*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
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putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
My blood type is b hungry.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Wait a minute…
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme