Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

pat pat

Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.

6: OK. But who makes the rules?

Me:

6:

Both of us: Mom.

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread

– the inventor of croutons

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

It’s nothing worse than accidentally becoming a important person at your job.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

13: Can I have the password for Amazon?

Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?

13: Yep

Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.