Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.

Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.

As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.

*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?

Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!

Me: Cool! Thank-

Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…

who wants to go expliring

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.