Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you

The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.

I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.

Okay, Hello Kitty.

Fine. Miss Piggy.

Ursula.

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”