Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
airing out the snack pack
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
lmao
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.