Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Guantanamo Bae
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.