Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
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Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Breaking news:
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Word.
~ Microsoft.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.