Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

canadian assassins are called killergrams

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…

It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.

I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.

[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

HER: i love babies

ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry

Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”

If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*