Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
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Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Maths meets science
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
