Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
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We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
yeah no that’s fair
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
This fish is cracking me up