rise and shine we got egg
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Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
Weirdos gonna weird.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?