rise and shine we got egg
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*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.