Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”