Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
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My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
i dont have time for this
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
