Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
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He a real one for that
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.