Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
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I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell