Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
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[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?