Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

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The Chosen Phew

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Rambo Rambow

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’

Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

[Commercial for commercials]

ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”

But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.

*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”