Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Wolves should really raise more people.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”
But, why sir?
Chef: yes
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old