Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

them: it’s carl with a K

me: oh ok hi cark

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

“I’ll worry about it next time”

– me pissing off future me

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

where there’s a whale there’s a whale

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.

“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.

Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.