Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
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My Spanish may not be great, but I know a good chimney chain guh when I taste one.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Hell yeah 👍
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My what?
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Dishonest mechanic?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.