Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
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anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
The photographer’s assistant
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing