Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
You Might Also Like
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens