Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes the high road*

*gets altitude sickness*

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*

My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well

You’re an adult. You can do what you want.

Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.

Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

Friend: I hate frozen pizza

Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.

Friend:

When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe

I don’t believe him.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.

Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”

In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.

Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.

DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*

I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great