Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*

Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

6: how do you spell once?

Me: o-n-c-e

6: how do you spell upon?

Me: u-p-o-n

6: how do you spell-

Me: what are you doing?

6: writing a story. how do you spell…

It’s going to be a long weekend.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night