Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.

Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.

[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?

Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

I’m a pediatrician.

Oh, so you’re into feet?

Uh no…children.

Isn’t that illegal?

me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

Dentist: “And do you floss?”

Me: “Yes!”

My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”