rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
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idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
