rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
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It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
incredible book dedication
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
I am yelling
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
adam and eve had first world problems
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.