Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.

Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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[Traffic Stop]

Cop: Sir, please step out of the car

Me: But you said…

Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

Sponch

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

[job interview]

“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”

Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.

I fall in love too easily.

Wait..

It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily

the rocks need my help

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.

Definitely less than a hundred.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis

Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.