Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
You Might Also Like
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.