Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.

4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?

My wife: He cried the most.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

Me: I’m pregnant

Him: oh no

Me: with emotion

Him: oh, whew

Me: because there’s a baby inside me

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

“Some say I have a drinking problem”

*pours glass of water on lap*

y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Me: Eat your dinner.

6: But my belly hurts.

Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.

6: But I’ll feel better then.

isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.