Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
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cats when you pet them too long:
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Who does Amazon think I am?
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
haha same
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
