Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?

*died in your arms tonight*

*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*

*buried in the woods the day after that*

Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.

Me: [driving into a parking garage]

Wife: why are you ducking your head?

Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: that’s fair.

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Executioner: Any last words

Me: No, I’m –

My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call

To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You’re not funny.

I identify as an antique shop.

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

britain’s three elite institutions

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.