Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
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Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?