Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
mood
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Turns out if you ask your neighbor who his favorite serial killer is he’ll stop trying to talk to you & I just wish I’d thought of this sooner.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
He just like my cat fr
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
No flush
