Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
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I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out