Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

Writing a personal ad. So far I have:

Has all own teeth

“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms

“I got this”

-hypochondriac reading Web MD

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

I walked into a pub with my wife..

The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?

I said That sounds like a fair swap

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha