[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
well this is just bullshirt
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?