Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*

Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care

Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that

Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

**both sitting at the pub having a beer**

Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?

Friend: I gave up drinking.

Me:

Friend:

Me: No.

Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?

Me: Nicely done.

Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment