Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!

Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff