Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Spent two days in bed with the flu and didn’t have to make dinner. So now I’m thinking about pulling a Grandpa Joe and staying in bed to get out of making dinner for another decade

My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught

Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

How did we decide to go with cockpit?

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.

If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

🤣🤣

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.