Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:

No.

Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking

My true love: no don’t

Me: what? Why not?

My true love: just trust me

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.

Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”

*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*

“Omg!”

Narrator: The power of Febreeze

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?

OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?

CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces

Wife: I don’t meet these criteria

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.