Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.

Weirdly Wednesday.

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit