Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Jesus: love your neighbor

Me: aw thanks, yours is also great

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?

Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good

Genie: alright then [disappears]

Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no

*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you

Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝

how it started vs how it ended

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

[office]

DAVE: We’re having a baby

SUE: Congratulations!

ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds

“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”

I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

fireman: where is fire

me: in my heart, i love y-

fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

I am laughing way too hard at this.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*