Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hitlers gonna hitl

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape

kidnapper: 😳

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

No one can handle that

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”

[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.

Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?

“Alex is visiting later tonight.”

Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?

[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.

It’s been a good 12 months for dogs

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.